ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
