Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
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i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
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