Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
