hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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