I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
