sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
