Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
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SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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