I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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