This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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