I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
