my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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