Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
