note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
