GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
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Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
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i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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