i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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