I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
