I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
