nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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