I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea