i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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