I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
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All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
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i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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