i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
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After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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