It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
