Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize