Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
