she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
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drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
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I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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