so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
