i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
