Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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