There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Small penises have feelings too.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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