Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
