i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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