Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
