Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
