I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
