And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
