You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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