The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
