1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
