Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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