boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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