Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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