You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
