she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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