Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
