she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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