Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
