The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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