i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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