Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
