How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
