having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
